-Well, you guys, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Tomorrow.
And I saw that a record 30 million Americans
are flying this year.
Yeah, when the airlines heard that, they were like,
"Yeah, we'll see about that."
[ Laughter ]
Around 30, yeah.
I heard that 50 million people are traveling by car.
Thanksgiving car rides are great,
because after fighting with your extended family all day,
it's nice to get back to fighting
with your immediate family.
You kind of -- You need that.
But Thanksgiving traffic is already pretty bad.
Take a look at this footage -- this is real --
from Los Angeles last night.
Look at that.
I mean, those people aren't going home for Thanksgiving.
They're going home for Christmas.
-What?
-Well, after Thanksgiving,
the holiday shopping season officially begins.
It's when everyone has to decide,
do I want to get trampled on Black Friday
or have my identity stolen on Cyber Monday?
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right. Black Friday's coming up.
And lots of stores are running special promotions
to attract customers.
And some of them unveiled a slogan for that big day.
I'll show you what I mean here. For example, there's Best Buy.
Their slogan is, "Give us your emergency contact info
before you come inside."
It's for your safety.
Next, it's Sears.
Their slogan is, "It's the most crowded day of the year.
Six customers."
-Oh. Really?
-Six. -Six people.
-Six customers.
Next up, it's Costco.
Their slogan is, "Where WWE meets 'Hoarders.'"
-Yeah.
-"Honey, quick, get that." -"Quick, quick, get it."
-"It's a 100-pack of paper towels."
[ Light laughter ]
Next is Kay Jewelers.
Their slogan is, "Every kick in the groin begins with Kay."
-Hey.
-And finally, there's RadioShack.
Their slogan is, "You're not too late.
Our shelves are always this empty."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Good luck out there.
Of course, tomorrow is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
And I heard it could be one of the --
[ Cheers and applause ] You guys are going?
I'll be there.
I heard it could be one of the coldest parades in decades.
Check out what some of the balloons had to say
about the freezing temperatures.
First up, the Pillsbury Doughboy said,
"I don't know why I thought this kerchief
was enough to keep me warm."
[ Laughter ]
Then Charlie Brown said, "It's times like this
when I wish I had more than one strand of hair."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Chase from "PAW Patrol" said,
"I peed on a fire hydrant and got stuck there for hours."
-Oh! -Yeah.
-Wow. -You can't do it.
You guys hear about this?
Health officials want everyone
to throw away their romaine lettuce
because it might have E. coli.
In response, iceberg lettuce was like, "Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, the old romaine people."
[ Light laughter ]
Of course, Donald Trump's always in the news.
Sometimes he says some pretty questionable things.
And while we can't filter what he says,
we can filter how he looks when he says it.
I'll show you what I mean. It's time for "Trump Filters."
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How dark is your mode?
-It's very light, and I will tell you
[High-pitched voice] I'm extremely upbeat.
The White house is running like a well-oiled machine.
It's going really well. I have great people.
[ Normal voice ] I will make some changes but not very many.
-There you go. [ Cheers and applause ]
Guys, we're all affected by what goes on in the news.
Sometimes we can feel totally different about a news story
before and after it breaks.
Here, I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "Before and After."
Here we go. -♪ "Before and After" ♪
♪ "Before and After" ♪
-So I'll read a news story
and then show you how everyone feels before and after.
First up, a blast of Arctic air
will hit the Northeast on Thanksgiving.
Here we are before the Arctic blast.
And here we are after.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next, a study says that the average person
consumes over 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving.
Here we are before Thanksgiving dinner.
And here we are after.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next, health officials say all romaine lettuce
should be thrown away because of E. coli.
Here we are before hearing we shouldn't eat salad.
And here we are after hearing we shouldn't eat salad.
Yeah.
And finally tonight, Washington, D.C.,
is allowing more than 200 bars to serve alcohol until 4:00 a.m.
Here we are before the night begins.
And here we are after 4:00 a.m.
Well, at least we're having a good time.
We're having a good time. -Come on.
-Oh, this isn't good.
Guys, IKEA just announced that they are cutting 7,500 jobs.
IKEA workers weren't happy.
They were like, "This is flurgen bullsharf."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Finally, in a new interview, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady
said that if he could choose someone to play him in a movie,
it would be Mark Wahlberg.
Makes sense 'cause by law,
every movie about someone in Boston
has to be played by Mark Wahlberg.
We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for the Roots, everybody.
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