-Thank you for coming here, 'cause you live in Vegas, right?
-I live in Vegas now, but I used to live here in New York City.
-Yeah. Well, welcome back.
-New York City is like no other city in the world.
If you get into an elevator anywhere else in the world,
people press "lobby."
You get into an elevator in New York City,
people "lobby," "door close," "door close," "door close,"
"door close," "door close," "door close," "door close."
"Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!"
-Just close it!
-If you haven't seen the "door close" button,
it's the one completely worn away from impatience.
"Come on! Come on!"
-That's how you know you're in a New York elevator, yeah.
-I was in New York City when the pope came here.
-Oh, yeah. That was a big deal.
-And only in New York City do you hear people say,
"Please tell me the pope is gone."
"I'm trying to get to the Upper West Side.
The pope and his stupid barricades."
-It is true.
Traffic -- But you've got to learn to relax here.
You just chill out and get -- -I'm trying, man.
-Yeah. -I got in last night.
And I got a massage. -Good.
-I always feel weird getting a massage.
You know, you're laying there.
You're looking through that weird doughnut hole,
you know, trying to see if you
can squeeze your head through it, you know?
And I was seeing her feet moving around.
-Yeah? -And she wasn't doing anything.
And after 10 minutes, I said, "I don't know the protocol,
but am I supposed to tell you it's okay to begin?"
-And you're talking through the...
-I'm talking through this. -Yeah.
-And she said, "I started 10 minutes ago."
She said, "This is a Reiki massage."
She goes, "I don't actually touch you.
My hands are just above you, and it's an energy healing."
[ Laughter ]
So, when she was done, I said,
"I don't actually touch my wallet.
My hand is just above it.
You should be receiving an energy payment."
-I'm gonna Reiki pay you.
-Reiki. Yeah. -Oh, my gosh.
Can we talk about this show that you're doing, Jerry's doing,
"Stand-up and Away with Brian Regan"?
What is the new show?
-I wanted to do a show that's a sketch show
but that the sketches are set up by stand-up bits,
some of the older stand-up bits that I've done.
So I do those, and those lead into sketches.
So, I pitched that idea to him,
and he goes, "All right, let's do it."
-So, this thing -- So, maybe set up this clip.
This is a clip. This is you at a restaurant?
-Yeah. This clip actually comes from when
I was living here in New York City.
You know when you go to a restaurant,
and all the tables are incredibly close together?
-Yeah.
-And they sit you down, and, sometimes,
you are literally physically closer to some stranger
than you are to your date.
And it's very hard to keep the conversations separate.
So, this is a sketch where I'm having, like,
a little intimate argument with my girlfriend,
and right next to us are two guys planning an armed heist.
-Here it is.
"Stand-up and Away with Brian Regan"
streams Christmas Eve on Netflix.
Check this out.
-What do you mean by "take care of the guard"?
I thought this was gonna be a simple smash-and-grab.
-Oh, you thought, huh? Do me a favor? Don't think.
I'll do the thinking.
-It's our one-year anniversary of our first text conversation.
Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary
of the first time we FaceTimed.
-She knew all those.
-That's ridiculous. This broad is high-maintenance.
I mean, it's too chilly?
She's hurt because he doesn't know what she drinks?
-The broad's a little needy.
-I'm sorry I forgot the anniversary
of our first text conversation.
-Don't backpedal. That's weak. Tell her she's being ridiculous.
-She's not being ridiculous.
He's the one that's being ridiculous.
-I'm being ridiculous?
You don't have a driver set,
and it's going down tomorrow night?
-Exactly.
-Show 'em how it's done!
Show 'em how it's done! Brian Regan!
-Thank you very much.
-His new show, "Stand-up and Away,"
streams on Netflix starting Christmas Eve.


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