• Why did a man put his mail in a dog poop disposal for two years?
How did a man get duped into buying "poodles" that weren't even dogs?
These are 15 of the most ridiculous news headlines you'll see – and the equally crazy stories
behind them.
15 –Flying dildo hits bucks party guest, draws blood
• This is one of those rare occasions where the headline sounds like overly weird, but
the actual story turns out even more strange.
• So what the headline tells you is that some guy got hit by a flying dildo.
What it doesn't tell you is HOW.
• And the HOW, is that it was shot at him.
By the exotic dancer at the party.
And… not with a gun.
14 –Think of a headline 56pt bold headline • Here's a secret of newspaper headline
writing – they're usually the last thing to go on the story, within minutes of the
paper being printed.
• And every so often… the editors just forget, and the paper gets shipped off with
a placeholder to remind them to write a headline.
• Clearly, the reminder didn't work.
13 –Arrested for 'gay horse' jibe • In 2005, a drunken 21-year-old student
was staggering down the street when he came upon two police officers on horses.
• He apparently decided that this was a good time to talk to one of the officers about
the sexual orientation of his horse.
• After a few warnings to stop, the student… didn't stop.
Eventually, the officer handcuffed him and put him in drunk tank to dry out for a night.
12 –Man Posts Letters In Dog Poo Box For Two Years
• No tricks on this one.
It's exactly what it sounds like.
• A 91-year-old man with poor eyesight was stopped one day before putting a letter into
a disposal box for dog poop.
• He had apparently been putting his mail in there for two years, because it's approximately
the same size and color as the mail box… but the mail box was across the street.
11 –Patrick Stewart Surprises Fan With A Life Threatening Illness!
• This is actually a heartwarming story, but this headline just shows how important
it is to read them back to yourself.
• So, contrary to the way you COULD read this headline, this isn't about Sir Patrick
Stewart BRINGING the plague to a young fan.
• It's about him surprising a fan who already HAS an illness.
10 –Woman lets god drive car, god immediately runs down guy on motorcycle
• "Jesus Take the Wheel" is a popular song, but unfortunately it's very bad driving
advice.
• That lesson came to a 25-year-old woman in Fort Wayne, Indiana, at the expense of
the guy riding the motorcycle in front of her.
• The woman said she heard God say "He would take it from here."
So she let go of the wheel and rammed the man on the motorcycle in front of her, knocking
him off his bike.
• Then she continued driving, running over the man's midsection breaking several ribs
and causing extensive internal bleeding.
9 –Man gets shock of his life when he buys two toy poodles for $150 only to be told by
a vet that they are actually GIANT RODENTS pumped up with steroids to look like dogs
• The man in Argentina who thought he was getting a great deal on a pair of purebred
poodles?
• He was NOT getting a great deal on poodles.
• He was ACTUALLY getting a pretty good deal on giant, fluffy, steroid-raised ferrets.
8 –Paralyzed by a PORK CHOP: Father-of-two, 46, almost dies after eating undercooked meat
• The words "Paralyzed by a Pork Chop" might make you think someone was, maybe, hit
in the neck with a frozen pork chop?
Something like that.
• But no, this story is about food poisoning, and amusing as the headline might be, the
story is just the opposite.
• Darren Ashall fell ill with listeria meningitis from a pork chop that he undercooked.
• The bug went straight to his brain, where it nearly killed him.
He was lucky to survive an extended hospitalization only losing the ability to walk and communicate.
7 –Big rig carrying fruit crashes on 210 Freeway, creates jam
• File this one under "I see what you did there."
• You get it?
It's a fruit truck, and it crashed and blocked traffic, so it's a JAM?
• Somebody at the LA Times is very proud of themselves for that one.
6 –Boy, 14, attacked by goat named Voldemort • Jaxon Gessel was just a 14-year-old delivering
papers, when he got attacked by a goat named Voldemort.
• How evil does a goat have to be to get named Voldemort?
Well, he headbutted Gessel's bike to knock him off of it, then started trampling him.
• But hey, at least Gessel now gets to tell people he's the "boy that lived."
5 –Man with cat denied entry by Fla. strip club, arrested
• Okay, there's a lot of detail missing here.
• A man tried to enter a strip club with a kitten, presumably because he was very,
very drunk.
When he was denied entry, he called 911 on the strip club bouncers.
• A couple of very confused deputies arrived on the scene to sort things out… but that
didn't stop the man from CONTINUING to call 911 repeatedly.
• The man was eventually arrested for misusing 911 and a number of other charges.
And it wasn't even his cat.
4 –Psychic hit by car inside restaurant says he didn't see it coming
• So, there were two psychics eating lunch in a restaurant together.
• A car came through the wall and slammed into them both.
• And neither of them were able to predict it.
• We'll let you draw your own conclusions about the quality of psychic work.
3 -Russian sex geckos die in orbit • Fair warning, this story gets way less
interesting after the words "Russian sex geckos."
• The geckos were, literally, part of an experiment measuring the effects of weightlessness
on sexual habits and development.
• It appears the geckos may have died after the satellite's heating system broke down…
but the fruit flies that were also on the ship not only survived, but multiplied.
2 -One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers
• Okay, you might think this headline is overly cruel.
But the author is actually writing it about himself.
• And he's not actually missing an arm.
He's just broken his hand, and can't use it.
• So he's really just poking fun at himself.
Which is corny and kinda dumb, but at least he's not teasing ACTUAL amputees.
1 -Romanian Princess Ran a Cockfighting Ring in Oregon
• Um.
This isn't cute or clever at all.
The Atlantic isn't doing any clever wordplay here.
• The Princess of Romania actually just REALLY likes strapping knives and weapons
to the legs of roosters and watching them kill each other.
• She and her husband hosted at least 10 events at her farm in Oregon, getting themselves
charged with operating an illegal gambling operation and facilitating cockfighting, both
of which are illegal in all 50 U.S. States.
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