(crash)
(slow gentle theme music)
- [Narrator] Kimmy invites D.J. to a pool party
to celebrate her 14th birthday.
D.J.'s concerned because
unlike Kimmy, she's insecure about her body
and won't feel comfortable in a bathing suit
until she looks like
this insane picture on the cover of a made-up magazine.
D.J. says she only has two weeks to get skinny,
and the diet starts now by throwing these cookies away.
She asks Kimmy how she stays so thin,
and Kimmy demonstrates.
It's a casual mix of waste bins and watching what she eats.
D.J.'s taping half naked models to the family fridge
when Becky comes home.
She says looking at these models is
thin-spiration, to stay out of the fridge.
Aunt Becky tries to tell her about healthy food
she can still enjoy.
D.J. says she's not trying to think about any food at all.
Becky says what really matters is
keeping junk food out of the house.
Uncle Jesse shows up with a huge box of cake.
D.J.'s not phased by the cake,
and announces she's going to enjoy
this delicious and savory water-pop she made herself.
Jesse's doing wedding research,
and got enough cake samples to murder a diabetic pothead.
They invite D.J. to join the frosted feast,
but she says she's fine sucking this ice cube on a stick
that even kids in third world countries might see
and say, "Yeah, no."
Michelle goes ham on that cake.
D.J.'s frustrated, she only lost half a pound in two days.
Jesse says all she needs to do to lose weight is work out,
and they can all go to the gym
and work out as a big family this weekend
because that's a normal thing families do all the time.
Danny makes D.J. a sandwich, and tells her to eat up
because they're about to hit the gym.
D.J. says she's skipping lunch,
and asks Kimmy if she wants the sandwich.
Kimmy says it's a ham sandwich, again,
and she's been eating her lunch for three straight days,
and doesn't want another ham sammy.
Stephanie overhears the sammy talk,
and adds D.J.'s also been skipping breakfast and dinner
for three days straight,
and doesn't understand how she's still alive,
on account of you need to eat things not to die.
D.J. promises to eat her sandwich,
then promptly feeds that crap to the dog.
D.J. says Comet is lucky
because dogs don't have to wear bathing suits.
Stephanie makes this face
because she realizes her sister is a dummy.
Stephanie busts D.J. for lying about the sandwich,
and D.J. lies again, saying Comet snatched it from her.
Steph busts her for lying a second time about the snatching,
and when D.J. says she wasn't lying those last two times,
Steph busts her for lying a third time about the lies,
which honestly feels a little nitpicky.
D.J. tells Steph she has one week
to look good in a bathing suit,
and after that week, she'll resume eating.
But in that time,
when D.J. will certainly die from not eating,
Steph has to pinky swear she won't tell anyone
about her plan to starve to death.
Steph reluctantly pinky sears
to keep this slow suicide a secret.
The fam goes to the gym,
featuring a plethora of oiled up muscle heads and women
with thin strips of neon fabric wedged up their assholes.
D.J. wants to know the best way to burn calories,
those things she hasn't had in days.
Danny points her to a bike,
and tells her to start slow at level one.
D.J. does not have time for that level one nonsense
and takes that shit
straight to level seventy god-damn five,
what you know about it.
The guys go with Michelle for a cute B storyline.
It's Michelle doing cute workout stuff
in cute workout clothes.
It's a real cute pallet cleanser
from the harsh reality that a 14 year old
they bailed on is about to drop dead upstairs.
Meanwhile, D.J. hits a new machine
like she's dying of cancer, and this thing has the cure.
Becky tells the guys to join her in aerobics class.
They say no way because it's 1990
and (scoffs) aerobics?
Until they see some of those women
with fabric in their booty cracks
and decide they'll give this aerobics a thing a fair shake,
ignoring D.J. in the corner,
about to have a goddamn heart attack.
Aerobics class is whatever, who cares.
The guys just post in the back and look at butt cheeks.
The aerobics teacher moves these perverts to the front,
and they start flailing around
because they're out of shape.
It's hilarious if you have no sense of humor.
Stephanie says D.J. has to see this very bland spectacle.
D.J. says she'll be right there,
and falls down faster than a folding chair in a hurricane.
She says she's okay, and just got a little dizzy
because she overdid it.
It meaning everything except eating anything.
Stephanie is sad her sister's about to die.
D.J. comes down, saying she's well rested,
and nobody's buying it.
Joey said he made chicken parm,
and invites her to taste the sauce.
D.J. says she can't taste the sauce
because she just brushed her teeth,
even though she definitely didn't
because toothpaste would borderline count as food.
D.J. starts yelling because she's hangry,
and says she's going to dinner at Kimmy's.
Stephanie stops her
because she realizes a pink swear isn't legally binding.
She reveals D.J. hasn't eaten in three days.
Her family warns her that what she's doing is dangerous
because she's riding a bus with no breaks
to Crankyville that ultimately will drop her off
with her dead mom in hell.
Danny runs after D.J. to console her
with a boring story about how he had body issues
when he was young
because he's tall as shit and lanky as hell,
but it doesn't matter,
because your real friends will like you no matter what,
at least at this age
before they start picking friends based on things like
who has a car, who has drugs,
and who'd like you'd maybe eventually sleep with.
Danny makes D.J. promise
she's going to eat healthy and exercise.
Then he takes her hungry ass downstairs.
So what did we learn today?
Food isn't just some shit
that's stopping your fridge from floating away.
You actually need to eat it in order to survive,
and if you don't eat food for several consecutive days,
you're going to majorly fuck your shit up, and maybe die.
But if you know people around you are watching their weight,
don't eat cookies out of the trash in front of them
or taunt them with a cake buffet
or drag them to gym full of impossibly fit extras
when all they need is a gentle reminder
that everyone's miserable all the time,
and the only thing you can ever do about it
is shove chicken parm in your mouth
with people you care about.
And if you see your deliriously hungry sister
talking to dogs about bathing suits,
don't wait until the brink of death
to save her life because her designated guardians
will be too busy looking at butt cheeks
to realize something's horribly wrong.
See you next time on a Very Special Episode.
(bell rings)
(hinge creaks)
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