- What do smart phones, customizable pizza menus,
and gay dating apps have in common?
They all ask you to set your preferences.
But one of these things isn't quite like the others.
We've talked about how the word "preferences"
is often used to mask discrimination.
When you hear a woman say something like,
"I'm just not attracted to black guys,"
or "Asian men are too submissive,"
they're relying on racial generalizations
perpetuated by systemic racism.
But this kind of dating racism isn't just
for straight people.
So how does racism manifest in the world of
LGBTQ relationships?
Well, to answer that question,
we've brought in my friend, Dylan Marron.
- Well Franchesca, the answer is, not all that differently.
If you've ever used a dating app like
Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble,
or, let's be real, Twitter DMs,
you've likely read something like this:
Ah, I'm sorry, I'm only into white guys.
No fats, no fems, no Asians.
Well, I'm not into black guys.
Just a preference.
While we know racism on dating apps impacts people
of all sexualities and gender expressions,
I can tell you that this is a particular problem
among gay men.
Because even though gay men themselves
belong to a marginalized community,
they can, and often do,
perpetuate the oppression of others.
In fact, a recent survey of over 850 gay men
of color in the UK, shows that more than two-thirds
of individuals who identified as
black, Asian, south Asian, or mixed race,
reported encountering racism on gay dating apps.
Survey says,
(bell dings) racism!
In fact, there are whole Tumblrs and Twitter accounts
dedicated to documenting these racist messages,
and when I want to feel even worse about the world,
I read them.
But when gay men are confronted about their racist language,
many try to explain it away as a preference.
I mean they can't help it.
It's just how they feel.
As if they were captive to some mystical
romantic force that naturally discriminates
against people of color.
And this is where structural racism comes into play.
Because preferences are actually shaped
by learned values.
When you're judging a person based solely
on their racial background,
you're acting on generalizations you've
learned to associate with that person's
appearance or heritage.
You can't say it's their personality
because you've shut them down before you
even got to know them.
The thing is, we're not born with preconceived
notions about race,
much like we're not born with political preferences,
religious beliefs, or naturally winning smiles.
(ding)
I worked hard for that.
We actually learn how to define what is attractive
from those around us.
And because we're raised within a framework
of Western beauty standards,
society often characterizes non-white features
as different or unattractive.
In fact, kids of all racial backgrounds
up to age 10 or 11 are proven to be
wildly inconsistent about their criteria
for attractiveness, and how it relates to race.
Our use of race to classify individuals
actually increases as we grow older
and it traditionally favors, drum roll please,
(drum roll) white people!
I know, it was a surprise to me too.
So if our stereotypes about race
are proven to be learned,
and those stereotypes are shown to influence
our attraction to others,
it stands to reason that
when you are generalizing about race,
particularly on dating apps,
your preferences are actually the product
of an environment that normalizes racism.
Man, math is scary.
And simply knowing that might not be enough.
A 2011 study in Australia that included
gay and bisexual men
found that sexual discrimination was linked to
racial stereotypes rather than inherent preferences.
But they also found that even men with diverse attitudes
were remarkably tolerant of sexual racism.
Some modes of discrimination have become
so ingrained in gay culture, we don't even notice
when we're complicit in perpetuating them.
And that doesn't just hold true for the
ways we ignore people of color.
Racial generalizations can also impact
the language we use when we do choose
to interact with each other.
Exonifying people of color due to their race or background
is commonplace on dating apps.
Some people are looking for a Papi Chulo,
or a Rice Queen, or a DL Thug,
but this language is dehumanizing
and reduces people to social stereotypes.
It buys into a toxic tradition of racism
by assuming whiteness is the norm
and turning a person's identity into a fetish,
essentially making them feel like an oddity
or a rare find.
Come on people, we're not Pokemon.
So, how do we unlearn racist perceptions
we've been taught to normalize?
Well, there are a few things to remember
if we're going to stop ourselves,
and others, from doing that.
First, if you're watching this video
and you feel like you need to go
change your profile,
go do that and congratulations on evolving so quickly.
I'll wait.
The second element is remembering how structural racism
impacts our interactions, and checking ourselves,
or others, when a racist stereotype rears its head
in a conversation.
Consider this, if someone came up to you in person
and just as they opened their mouth,
you were like, sorry, not into Asians,
you'd probably be called a jerk,
or at least get a drink thrown in your face.
So why should we excuse those who do it online?
There's no reason that gay men should accept racism
when they're just looking to get some,
digitally or otherwise.
(ring tone) Oop, sorry, that's me.
Ooh, and he's only five feet away.
Franchesca, all yours.
- Thanks Dylan.
So we've debunked the myth of preferences,
studied the science of sexual racism,
and armed ourselves with some tools
to combat discrimination in our dating interactions.
Challenging how racism shapes our perception of others,
especially potential dates, isn't easy.
But it means being open enough to learn from your mistakes,
and brave enough to challenge others
when they simply excuse their racism as a preference.
Thanks so much to Dylan Marron for joining us this week.
Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time,
right here on Decoded.
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