[Applause]
our next subject is rapport in your
notes anywhere you want there's no place
for just right rapport is power rapport
is power earlier today we said anything
you want to achieve anything you want to
learn master experience there's somebody
out there who has a life experience the
understanding the network the capital
the thing you need to be able to achieve
it
but they're not gonna give you what they
want or they don't give you what you
want rather a need until you first give
them what they want need and you're not
even gonna find out what they want need
until you first get in a relationship of
rapport if you don't do that you're
never gonna learn anything rapport is
power what is a relationship of rapport
rapport means total responsiveness
between people when someone is totally
responding to you and your total
responding that you're in rapport
there's that connection it's that spark
that happens in certain communications
or relationships now everybody wants to
create rapport have it but most people
only get rapport with people who are
like whom themselves and they lose with
everybody else which means you got a
very limited world so we want to take it
to a different level so let's say for
example if I said to you right now guys
I want you to go out to a local
restaurant a bar and I want you to meet
somebody and I want you to develop
rapport with him a connection with them
how many feel like you do that no
problem say I and if you're not raising
your hand you're probably selling
yourself short of course you could how
would you do it though you walk at this
restaurant a bar you meet somebody and
you engage them in conversation by
asking a few what questions now is it
possible to ask a few questions and have
a conversation go boom just die is that
possible yes or no so questions don't
create rapport questions or a tool use
to dig for something what are you
digging for we ask these questions
you're trying to find something in what
that's right so write your notes rapport
is created by a feeling of commonality
rapport is created by a feeling of
commonality
rapport is created by a feeling of
commonality we people when we feel like
we have something in common with someone
there's a spark now here's the problem
if rapport is created by feeling of
commonality most people try to get
rapport by using words but you've
already learned something what
percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage 7% which means
you're leaving at 93 percent of your
skills which is why most people don't
get rapport with a large number of
people yeah what do you do you walk in a
restaurant a bar and go hi what's your
name where are you from why are you here
and person says my name is Abby I'm from
Iraq I'm a terrorist I'm here to kill
people and you go amazing me too
now see words don't always work do they
but there is something that always works
to get rapport and that's something
called matching and mirroring matching
and mirroring now matching and mirroring
came about 35 years ago when it's we've
all done matching our whole lives but
the person who pointed out was Milton
Erickson dr. Erickson was a genius what
he did was he was a medical doctor but
he also was a psychologist and a
hypnotherapist probably the best that
ever lived and people will come to see
him who try to change everything
anywhere else in their life nothing at
work they see him for one session he'd
handle it and the reason is because he
understood something he understood that
you have both the conscious mind and a
subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful it's made
part that makes your heart beat a
hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could
influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that's what he
did but here's how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair
so he spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in
rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored
each other now I've taught this for 25
years I'm sure you've heard of it and
I've written in my books and it's been
taught in a variety of other areas now
but it's one thing to know it
intellectually or to understand it's
another thing to know it what you're
doing it that's what I want to get you
to do tonight so yeah
real experience of it that you won't
forget but here's the basis of it people
like people who are like whom themselves
and people don't like people who are not
like themselves to be more specific
rightness now people like people who are
like themselves or who are like how they
would like to be people like people who
are like themselves or are how they
would like to be people like people are
like themselves or how they would like
to be so question I'd like you to think
of someone you really really like a lot
and then if you would raise your hand
this person is either like you or
they're like how you want to be if
that's true is you can say I of course
that's why I like them now think of
someone you don't like I'm sure you like
everyone but if you once were a nun
spiritual person and felt these feelings
some of you don't like raise your hand
up they're not like you or they're not
like how you want to be if that's true
is your hand say I and that's the
opposite people don't like people who
are not like them or are not like how
they want to be that's the bottom line
of it so this concept Erickson noticed
he used it in the following way watch me
if you came to see dr. Erickson instead
of talking to you intellectually and
trying to get through to you he'd go
right for the jugular
by getting your nervous system connected
to him getting rapport so if you came to
him and you said dr. Erickson I don't
know this is a waste of time I've I've
tried everything and I don't know I
think I should just go he would do this
he'd go I'm sure it looks that way on
the surface but you haven't tried this
so you haven't tried everything and I
think you should stay and the person
would go Oh something about this guy I
like
you know he's not over-the-top you know
I mean he's like really real there's
just something bad in the feels
down-home and real to me right if you
came to see him as a dr. Erickson I've
tried everything waste of my time I'm
out of here he'd say you sit out you
haven't tried everything you've not done
this before you're staying right here
okay goes hey I'm like this guy's got
some spunk kick ass maybe he could do
something see he became like the pee
blues communicating with and what it was
is whatever they put out he sent the
same message back like biofeedback and
didn't train them to him so that when he
didn't told their unconscious what to do
their brain just did it that was his
power now we all do this naturally you
want to some fun gone tonight or a
singles bar and watch people when they
first meet and then you can see when the
rapport happens if they finally sit down
and they'll start to lean in the same
direction I'll start nodding your head
at the same tempo if one's tapping their
foot often you'll see other one tap
their foot the volume and tone of their
voice will start to mirror if they're on
a poor you know their outer abour you'll
see them interact opposites of this
nature now if you want to be effective
then mirroring is so easy we do it
naturally but here's the problem most
people wait till they have enough words
in common then then they put the voice
in common in the body in common but
words only 7% they don't work all the
time and by the way do we judge people
in a matter of seconds by their style
yes or no that's right right this is
your note style is more important than
substance
initially style is more important than
substance initially that sounds terrible
but it's true style is more important
than substance initially notice I say
initially have you know any substance
it's not gonna last but you can have
lots of substance and no style and
people never hear a word you say no one
will ever get to know what you believe I
give an example how many you've ever
dealt with somebody whose tone of voice
alone drove you up a wall and you
couldn't listen to anything they said
they had like Dennis trill tonality
haven't even it was something like to
say I okay so that style gets in the way
of substance now let's give an example
let's say you and I want to mirror
someone we want put someone to feel
connected to us and we're going to do it
on the phone
what are some aspects of the voice that
you could mirror that would make them
unconsciously immediately feel connected
to you what are some aspect you tell me
okay tone of voice we just said is a
perfect one cuz if you're talking like
this and they're talking like this and I
said well I don't know what are you
saying you're not gonna feel very
comfortable through time tone of voice
is huge if you mirror someone's thought
a voice they will feel connected to you
and not even know why what else besides
tone of voice could you mirror on the
phone
okay tempo what kind of person talks
with this pretty complaints like I'm
talking right now what kind of people
talking this particular place won't put
part of the country to talk at this pace
come aware where what part of the
country where a new record we've got one
New York would be a good example how do
people talk more like this feel about
those fast talking city slickers do they
trust them no they don't even know how
to say the word dog house the fast
talking person feel about a slow talking
person what I think Mary Mary we think
Mary what a big Mary what a day Mary
goes well watch nobody's ever seen this
mismatch between two people right what
else besides speed volume loud talking
people who do they like they love loud
talking people they know you're a real
man you're a real woman too who else
likes loud talking people deaf people
like loud talking people but how to
quiet talking people feel about those
loud talking people they're obnoxious
aren't they
and of course intelligent people talk
like you and I do don't they do we judge
people in a matter of seconds by their
volume by by their tone by their tempo
yes or no
you better believe we do what else could
you mirror on the phone terminology key
words there's certain words people use
again and again if you sell real estate
and somebody comes in and says I'm
looking for a magnificent home do you
want to say oh I have a fantastic place
to show you know I have this experience
myself once
look at this no no I got a fantastic
place fantastic and magnificent maybe
the same to you but I guarantee they
aren't for the other person
if you mirror their words they will feel
heard they will feel understood and they
will also feel you're as smart as they
are what else besides words tone tempo
volume accent well only if you really
have that accent because are you trying
to duplicate it it's not really your
accent you're gonna break rapport right
what about the body
what could you mirror in the body if you
were there in person what could you
mirror posture is very powerful they're
really up right you're up right they're
more relaxed you're more relaxed what
else gestures watch this if somebody's
talking and people are funny when
they're making important points people
have idiosyncratic gestures
idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all
their own so if you're talking this guy
and he said I don't think so I think we
ought to do this and he makes this funny
little gesture when he's talking about
what he really wants to do if you turn
back to him and say you know that's a
great idea can I ask you a question
though what if we do this instead you
make that same emotion with your hand
and look at him you'd be like a friend
you think I'm kidding you go out tonight
at dinner and you find somebody who's on
an angle to you or in front of you don't
even look at him just mirror them for 5
to 10 minutes they reach for the glass
reach for a glass the glass is empty no
one's gonna know it's just reach for the
glass they bring it up they bring it
down bring it down they reach the fork
reaches a fork 5 to 10 minutes 5 minutes
usually 10 minutes max after you notice
5-10 minutes you'll have some fun reach
for your glass and watch what they do
don't reach for it like that it's called
pacing and leading it's also known as
entrainment many of you know that if you
go to an old clock shop where they have
those old grandfather clocks so they
have the little pendulum that once they
widen those pendulums start out
different and they all end up in sync
called entrainment women know this but
most men don't
so I'll just share this with you women
have the ability to be like clocks with
other women when women hang out together
men they literally end up having their
periods at the same time so that all the
men are crazy during that time
is it true ladies yes or no if they are
poor their periods become in st. so
women's periods can come in sync you
could get rapport with a stranger across
the room and all you gotta do is mirror
them for five or ten minutes and make a
change right it'll make it happen all
right how many follow so what else
besides posture could you mirror in the
body what else gestures we already said
what else facial expression most of us
if someone's telling you a story and
they're like really into their story and
they're making these faces do you sit
look at them like this no you look back
and make the same stupid look back look
what about eye contact a lot of business
people and sales people on top a total
why they've been taught like if you're
really truly going to influence someone
you must look directly into their eyes
and not break eye contact for 45
straight minutes this way they know you
really mean it there's only one problem
with that problem is people like people
who are like whom themselves so if
you've got somebody just stares in your
eyes and doesn't blink for 45 straight
it's gonna freak you out what kind of
person steers your eyes and doesn't
break eye contact aliens that's who most
humans look away right so if they look
away give them a break and look away
don't make him crazy now if you meet
somebody who like locks eyes with you
and doesn't break eye contact you lock
eyes right back
you keep monitor for 45 minutes they'll
know you're an alien - it'll build
rapport what else what else besides eye
contact facial expressions gestures
posture come on what else breathing
breathing is very powerful one of the
most powerful if you breathe it the
exact same pace as another person you
will feel what they are feeling period
but you gotta be in for the same
location the same tempo and breathing is
magnificent because it really hooks you
to this person how many of you can think
of a time in your life when you were
breathing at the same pace as another
person and you felt really close for
some reason anybody think of a time like
that
see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy
for couples and when you help people in
this area you get a practice because
people pay anything they'll fly anywhere
to get this part of their life handled
so I end up with a six-month waiting
list no exaggeration I mean every single
day booked and people be calling me
based on referrals cuz I help their
friends and they'd be like I gotta see
it Gus you gotta see you now and I'm
like I got a six-month waiting list
no no I'll pay for your lunch time I'll
buy your dinner
look I really how about I refer you to
somebody I've trained it lots to be my
friend no it's gotta be you so here's
how I would deal with it I would say
okay I will give you one of my lunches
if you take an assignment I give me but
first you're gonna answer some questions
honestly here's the first question when
you make love do you breathe in unison
while you're making well and in terribly
the guy will go huh can I say let me
explain
you're here telling me about all these
things you're upset with each other
about and you talk about these things
too you're blue in the face but the real
problem is you don't feel connected you
don't feel well
and I said you don't have that feeling
of total oneness with each other until I
can more about this not gonna change it
so if you really want to change this I
suggest you do this and if you do what
I'm telling you still need me I'll give
you one of my lunches so I want you to I
want you to do I want you go home and I
want you to make up for an hour and a
half minimum and while you're doing it I
want you to breathe in unison the entire
time with each other because what
happens is you feel totally connected as
one out of who knows three four dozen
people I asked to do that only one
person ever called us back and wanted to
be able to do session because the bond
is there so try it not now later this
evening plus the great thing about
mirroring somebody's breathing it's very
subtle
no one's gonna jump on their chair and
say would you stop burying my breathing
they're not gonna notice so you got
breathing you got posture you got
gestures you got facial expressions you
got eye contact what else could you
mirror come on use your brain I know the
answer I want to see if you can come up
with it come on what else could you
mirror proximity good
what does proximity mean proximity means
everybody has a certain amount of space
that they need to be comfortable and
it's different for every single person
you're gonna meet in your life so if I
come walking up here like this and I
start walking let's say
along here and I walk up to this lady
here she's comfortable right now
if I come here I'm right on the edge of
her comfort zone
am i right mm you can see it in her face
how do I know because the muscles are
neck went ain't face my aunt it all
tighten and she stopped breathing that's
a clue now that doesn't mean she doesn't
want you to come closer but that's the
first moment of her starting to feel
impact and I come right back to here
there we go now she's breathing again
how many could see the difference could
you see it you can see almost reading
her but she's reading it so this is more
comfort what's the difference here
versus here how many had somebody do
this when they get this close to your
face and you just want to punch them how
many have this experience and they
almost always have bad breath too don't
they so when somebody and are there
people like that they get this most in
your face yes or no now if you pull back
though you just broke rapport cuz that's
what they need to feel good so you got
to like hang in there with those people
so it's different for every person that
you meet so how do you know do you just
guess no you use your sensory what
acuity you have acute sensitivity see
what's the impact oh I'm getting here is
it's working all I can come closer or
not where is it and it can change too so
I'm gonna have initial reaction and then
they let you closer but you pay
attention because if you don't do this
breaking rapport in this area people
don't even think when you're in their
space and everybody's got different
space who here freaks out when somebody
gets too close there are some people I'm
sure in this room that are total freak
outs about this you ma'am
and the black what's your name Lisa
watch come down come on give her hand
come on give her hand
Lisa come on down here come on down you
run down here at least I run down here
run down here run down here oh it's your
face oh there we go it's the face see
she's one of body-block me did you
notice that he goes boom we can hit
bodies that's okay but the face watch
what happens if you get in the face are
you enjoying the seminar what's been
your favorite part not this part where
you going
now notice once you get too close to her
face did you see how many saw that
instant reaction okay she not only pulls
back she snaps to the side because some
people most people have like a force
field who have this experience hers is
more just the face and you got close
closer to her chest or something like
that they they'll do one of the things
so this kind of person backs off but
most people are more subtle if you did
too close here's what they do they start
kind of you'll see them as ER talk and
eat and they're kind of wavering back in
like the forth if you notice their ass
is moving them further and further back
from you right or they'll do this
they'll turn sideways cuz what does that
do to creates a sense of space okay
so everyone's different now hers hers is
not the body and she's kind of being
playful now here with this as well but
the face normally is something for her
that's in effect now she's going
different she says okay I'm comfortable
with you give her hand thank you very
much now there's another one that's
critically important that's touch now
you can get more rapport by touching
some people than by anything you could
ever say but again you're gonna have
some sensory acuity you can't go up and
go he looks like a touch of a man I love
your hair love your hair really good
that's really cool really good you do
that you could get killed but he's a
nice man so he didn't kill me so we got
a notice there's notice how the man
shakes hands like he shakes hands he
puts one top of the other Genesis he
reached over he just I shook his hand
immediately he brings the other hand on
top like this and when he does it some
people they shake your hand they like
squeeze it see if they can break a few
of your blood vessels you know just to
show they're a real man other people
they got that fish handshake and
but if they fish you you got to fish
them back yeah here we go fish fish
right cuz that builds rapport but in
this case it's like boom boom I get more
connection rapport with him with that
touch than anything you could ever say
thank you so notice how does a person
touch somebody like even it's in
business notice how the business woman
or man touches their assistant in a
non-sexual way and this notice if they
come along and he comes my honey goes
thanks a lot Tony hits me like this
three times on the shoulder and I come
back and I say thank you John I'll get
more rapport by that touch than by
anything that I could say to him so
touch and proximity are huge huge now
you might say well this is interesting
Tony but what are you suggesting are you
saying something like okay they sit down
I sit down enough to mirror everything
someone does that rapport it's not like
they lift their leg you lift your leg
they lean forward you lean for they sit
back they you sit back you don't have to
do that although believe it or not you
can do a lot people not even notice but
for example you get rapport just with
the leg position and maybe the tone of
voice
because physiology is 55% of
communication if you're sitting there
let's say let's say you cross your leg
like this can I cross my leg like this
while we're talking yes or no it'll feel
comfortable to you so you start bouncing
your foot like this back and forth
can I bounce my for the same tempo if I
do you'll feel totally connected to me
we do at the same tempo and by the way I
can do it for a while and then if I
don't like it I can slow it down and
he'll slow yours down that's pacing and
leading again but if you do this if they
cross their leg and now they go ahead
across you don't have to uncross the
moment then cross wait you go to say
something and say you know what because
when you go to speak speaking requires a
change of physiology and they'll ever
notice what you're doing alright very
unique now it is true if you know they
leaned for it are you saying well right
they leaned for it I leave or they lean
back I lean back they cross the leg I
cross my they pick their nose I pick my
nose
exactly no you don't have to do
everything and if you start going like
this when they're mirroring you start
going after about 20 minutes ago what's
wrong with you
but you'd be surprised you can mirror
people and be mirroring almost
everything they're doing and they rarely
have ever noticed it right
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