(jingling)
- Ho ho ho.
Just kidding.
Welcome to the Shirtless Painter,
where anyone can paint, and anyone can paint anything.
Today, in honor of this festive time of year,
I'm gonna be teaching you how to paint
your very own yule log.
I invite you to take off your shirt and paint along with me.
(coughing)
'Scuse me. (sniffle)
Let's jump right in.
Okay, so as you could see,
we have our sort of fireplace base here.
I just sort of laid down a base coat
of a nice wintery scene.
So, no fireplace is complete, at least
in my opinion, without some flames.
So let's go ahead and just get some
of our Big Bird yellow here and just sorta start
(light scraping) just adding in the flames
however you please.
There's no wrong answers with flames.
Can really express yourself when you're doing this.
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna go ahead and mix some of our red here.
(light scraping)
And we'll just add a little bit of...
Red to the flames.
Sorry Santa, but things are getting
a little bit hot for you, my friend.
(light scraping)
Just kidding.
I do have a little bit of beef with Santa.
And he knows what he did, so...
Don't need to get into that on the air, Santa.
Still waiting for my apology, so.
I know you're accustomed to receiving letters,
but just an e-mail or a text to, you know,
just say you're sorry, and all will be forgiven.
So, (deep inhale)
(throat clearing) anyway.
Great.
Just have those flames sorta kissin' and lickin' at...
Lickin' at the chimney there.
Okay, great. (deep inhale)
So, you may have noticed there's actually no
(humming) chimney sorta
going up and outta here, so, ya know,
the family who lives here should just be careful
about, you know, cracking a window for smoke inhalation.
Always be safe around the holidays, gang.
This is a message from me, the shirtless painter:
if you're gonna have a fireplace, definitely have a chimney.
But in painting, you could do whatever you want,
there are no rules. (crackling)
Maybe this is a smokeless fire.
(light scraping)
Okay, great.
Okay, so we've got a nice fire base going there,
and I think the next thing we need,
any festive fireplace needs some stockings.
So I'm gonna go ahead and add some stockings to the mix.
(clattering)
(clinking)
M'kay, so
I'm gonna just go with some classic stocking red here.
And a stocking is really just sort of a big sock...
Sort of a big sock that no one
in their right mind would ever wear, 'cause
they don't provide a lot of arch support, and, you know.
I'd imagine they'd fall off your feet, but what do I know?
Okay.
So there's one little stocking there.
(light scraping)
(clattering)
And we'll go ahead and just add a little bit of,
(light scraping)
little bit of our Walter white,
just to add sorta the upper deck of the...
Of the stocking there.
This is sort of the lower deck, and this is the upper deck.
This is one upper decker that I would be happy to find
(splashing) (clanking)
in my bathroom.
(light scraping)
Speaking of Santa...
Any time you want to apologize, that's,
you know, I'm here, so.
I will forgive you, and I do have a present for you
that I'm willing to, you know,
that I'm withholding at the moment.
But I would love to give to you, so give me a call.
Okay.
So we'll just go ahead and add our little,
the little...
Loophole here.
Okay.
You've heard of a tax loophole,
well, this is a stocking loophole.
You've heard of stocks, well.
(splashing) (clanking)
It's all sorta connected.
Alright, great.
So there's one little stocking.
And I'm gonna go ahead and make
this stocking for one of my favorite people
to spend the holidays with, my wife.
So I'm gonna go ahead and add
my wife's name there. (clinking)
(clinking)
K.
So as some of you may know, my wife's name
is Darden, so I'm gonna, but, you know,
you could put your wife's name in there, or your husband.
Or, if you're not married, if you reject
the institution, that's fine too!
Put a name of your friend, your dog, your own name.
Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead
and add my wife's name, Darden.
So we'll give it a nice little
D.
Okay.
A...
R.
And just sound it out.
(crackling)
D, Dard.
E.
Okay, so it looks like we ran outta room
on the stocking, (clinking)
but that's okay.
We'll go ahead and just put that final N,
and we'll put it up on the shelf.
There's a lot of empty space up on the shelf here.
So we'll just add our little N there.
The next person (clinking)
I'm gonna add a stocking foris my son.
(splashing)
My son is missing, so if any of you
have seen my son, please let me know.
(humming)
I suspect he might be missing inside the building,
'cause I do hear sorta pitter-patter,
and I leave out food dishes and most of it gets eaten.
So (humming) I don't think he's far.
But if you do see him, please,
we'd love to have him back, especially around the holidays.
Okay, and we'll go ahead and...
Just add another little.
Ooh, careful there!
Another little stocking...
The size of a little boy's foot,
or thereabouts.
Okay, great.
So, we'll get a little bit more of our...
stocking upper deck color here.
(deep inhale) And speaking of,
I might as well just come right out and say it.
You may have noticed that I have,
I've mentioned Santa Claus a few times.
And might as well come clean about it.
I am a little bit mad at Santa Claus,
because last year he did leave an upper-decker
in my bathroom toilet.
So,
he came in, he left the presents, he ate the cookies, but,
I mean, what kinda man comes into your house and leaves
an upper-decker in the toilet tank on Christmas Eve?
I don't know if he's done this to any of you.
I love Santa Claus, he's been
a hero of mine since I was a kid.
But this is unacceptable, so.
Santa, if you're watching, and I know you're busy right now,
you owe me and my family an apology.
And, honestly, a new toilet would be a great gift this year.
(clanking)
Anyway, back to it.
So, we have our son's stocking here.
Since he is missing, I'm gonna go ahead
and just sorta let people know that there is a reward.
So I'm gonna paint...
The word reward on there.
Okay.
Okay.
So, we ran outta space there, too, but that's okay.
There are no screw-ups, only pleasant whoopsies.
So we'll just add the rest of the letters
right up on the shelf with their friends.
Okay.
Okay, great.
A...
R...
D.
Great.
NARD, well.
(clinking)
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna go ahead and
we'll add the little hook on our...
Stocking here.
You gotta secure it to the mantle.
And I'm just gonna go ahead, (clinking)
just to let people know I mean business
about finding my son, I'm gonna go ahead
and stuff the stocking with money.
And then anyone who has any information on his whereabouts
can sorta come forward, no questions asked.
Just bring him home and you can take
the money in the stocking.
(light scraping)
I don't care much for money.
I think that's important to remember.
Alright, so I'm just sort of mixing up
some dollar bill color.
And we'll have sort of a variety of denominations here.
Could just add a little bit a that Big Bird yellow there.
Okay, great.
So we'll just go ahead and add some fat stacks a cash
comin' outta here.
Money, money, money!
So...
Again, in case anyone's seen my son,
there is a little bit (clinking)
of a Christmas bonus in it for any information.
And again, this is no questions asked.
I just wanna find my son.
And we'll go ahead and
add some of the little highlights on our cash here.
Feel free to add any of your favorite presidents
or people who you think should one day be president,
it's up to you.
There's no need to...
Adhere to the rules of history books,
(clinking)
unless they're art history books.
Even then, I think, I encourage you to break those rules.
Okay, a little bit of white.
Great.
Okay.
You've heard of Cash Rules Everything Around Me,
but Cash Yules Everything Around Me?
Sorta somethin' to think about this holiday season.
(clinking)
Okay, great.
So we got my wife and my son's stocking.
What the heck, why don't we just do one for me?
I mean, I don't,
I don't care that much about material things, but
(clattering)
(clinking)
everyone deserves a stocking around the holidays.
Okay, great. (light scraping)
So we'll just go ahead and
add one more sock here.
Okay, great.
(light scraping)
Your stocking white.
Great.
(clattering)
(clinking)
And we'll add our little
hook to secure it.
Okay.
And just so we don't run into
any problems, we'll just abbreviate it with SP.
Great.
This could also be for, you know,
the Smashing Pumpkins, or someone pretty,
or Soul Plane, or...
You know, some pancakes.
Whatever, you know, whatever SP
speaks to you, or a different set a letters.
But I'm really enjoying SP, so, okay.
So, I'm just gonna fill this
with a few small trinkets for myself.
(clinking)
As you might, you know, big surprise,
I'm not interested in the latest big screen tv.
The only thing I really need or want
around the holidays is more painting supplies.
So I'm gonna go ahead and, assuming I'm able
to mend fences with Santa Claus
this year, (clinking)
maybe he'll bring me a thing or two
instead of, you know,
instead of the thing he brought me last year.
Which stunk, by the way, Santa.
I don't know what you're eating,
but try some fresh vegetables instead of all the cookies,
and reindeer meat.
I don't know, I assume maybe you eat the reindeer.
I don't know, I don't know anymore.
Would've never said that about you, but.
(clattering)
(humming) And that's kinda pretty, too.
(rustling)
Sorta nice.
Almost looks like a little holly leaf.
This could make a nice gift for someone,
so I'll just set this over here.
Okay, great.
Alright, so I'm gonna ahead
and add some gifts for myself here.
And the first thing I'm gonna do is...
One thing I'm running low on right now is
paint thinner.
So I could use a new thing of paint thinner.
(light scraping)
It comes in sort of a tin jug or jar.
So we'll just have that kinda peekin' out up here.
It could be any brand. (light scraping)
You can make up your own brand.
I'm gonna call this one David's Paint Thinner.
So it's sort of a mom and pop (clinking)
paint thinner company.
They're not beholden to
Big Paint Thinner, Big Thinner.
You could even do a paint thinner
based on the Steven King film...
Thinner.
Believe Steve King did that.
Okay, great.
K, so we got our paint thinner here.
I'll just add the little cap up top.
Great.
Now honestly, that's all I really need.
(clinking) (splashing)
Okay, great.
Alright, so...
It is getting a little chilly in here.
I don't know if it's just me, which is entirely possible,
but I'm gonna turn the heat up a little bit.
So gonna add,
(shuffling)
just add a little bit more flame to our fireplace here.
And you can just have fun with it.
(rustling)
As much or as little as you want.
(rustling)
Some nice green highlights in there,
which I think is even hotter than when you see a blue flame.
K, really make that sorta pop.
Okay, great.
And we'll go ahead and,
(clinking) (splashing)
go ahead and add some blue to the flame here...
just really.
People know we mean business.
Okay, great.
(rapid crackling)
(rustling)
Okay.
Ooh!
Okay, so it's starting to...
It's starting to sort of extend beyond the borders of the...
Fireplace here, but that's okay.
You know what I like to say, there's no screw-ups,
only pleasant whoopsies, so
just kinda follow that.
Just some nice flames.
Uh-oh.
Well, it looks like the flames
are sorta licking and kissing at my stocking here, which,
you know, I'm not materialistic,
so I don't really care too much.
But uh-oh.
Yup.
There goes the paint thinner.
Okay.
That's okay.
No screw-ups, just go with it.
Just go with it.
Okay, so that may have caused sort of a small explosion,
(clinking) (splashing)
causing some flames to kinda go over here.
And sort of...
Ah, geez.
It's startin',
lickin' and kissin' at my son's stocking here.
Oh, boy.
Well, there goes the money.
Great.
Okay, well, quick change of plans.
If anyone has seen my son, please just return him
out of the goodness of your heart, okay.
I can't offer you any money, but...
You know, I'd love to have you over for dinner,
you know, for the holidays.
Okay, great.
Okay, well, there goes that.
Alright.
Oh boy.
Well, there goes my wife's stocking...
As well.
That's too bad.
Okay.
Yeah, it's sorta really...
Really gettin' outta control here.
Oop, oh boy.
Yeah.
Yep.
Alright.
So some of it's kinda spillin' out here.
That's no good.
Alright, here, just a little more there.
Okay, oh boy.
(beeping)
What, uh-oh.
Okay, hold on!
Hang on a second.
(rustling)
(hissing) (thumping)
(coughing)
'Scuse me.
Let's jump right in.
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