A lot of important questions are raised
in this opening face montage.
Rick is squinting, but what is he squinting about?
Daryl is also squinting.
Perhaps he's squinting about the same thing as Rick?
And Ezekiel?
He doth request yee not presently waketh him
from his time of naps.
The king needs yet five more minute markers.
Okay, cool. So we're just going to show
everyone's faces with ominous music?
Sure, that counts as a TV show, I guess. Why not.
Why do the Saviors have year-round Christmas lights
up at the compound?
Don't they know how tacky that looks?
And an outdoor sound system,
as in the kind the attracts zombies
set up by their barbecue?
Wait, I finally figured out.
the Saviors are a bunch of dumb frat dudes.
That makes too much sense.
We'd love to elaborate on this theory but BLAM!
DRIVE-BY! THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS IN ALEXANDRIA, BITCHES!
At least since Rick and his crazy friends showed up.
Morgan announcing he doesn't die
is extremely concerning.
That's usually a thing someone says
right before they die.
Nobody says, "I don't die,"
before they eat a salad and get to bed by 10PM.
They scream it. Then snort a pile of blow
and rollerblade down a dark hill in the rain.
You can see the wheels turning in Carol's head
trying to figure out exactly how much longer
she can listen to Ezekiel's nonsense.
Talking about, "The damned are upon us."
and "Ensure no enemies remain in these environments."
It's a good thing that tiger can't actually speak English
because if it understood how dumb this man is
there's no way she'd respect him enough
not to eat him.
Is anyone hitting anything with these bullets?
Sure does seem like a lot of indiscriminate firing
at nothing in a world where ammunition
is a precious commodity.
Thank heavens our gang rolled up
in their bulletproof Ford Tauruses.
I know that bulletproof paint job
sounds like a scam at the dealership,
but you are really happy to have it when you need it.
Morgan rattles a cage of trapped lost souls,
attracting whoever will pay attention to him,
then looks into their dead eyes
while saying nothing worthwhile.
Cool, didn't realize they have dating apps
in the zombie apocalypse.
Alright, who's the jokester that gave
Ol' Shaky Hands a gun and told him to hold it
six inches from Morgan's brain?
Not cool. Give him a job he can handle next time
that isn't so dangerous. Like Chief Deputy of Maracas,
or Lieutenant of Clearing Etch-A-Sketches.
Rick Grimes is using Home Alone map technology
to locate the guns in this hideout,
and considering the way things are going,
this map might as well say,
"The guns are in this place somewhere? Probably?
"I don't know, figure it out, try not to die,"
and it would be equally useful.
This seems like it could have been prevented
by not just standing there and getting shot
when a bunch of bad guys showed up with guns.
I know. That's a controversial strategy,
but sometimes you need to think outside the box
if you don't want to die.
Shoot this guy. Shoot him? Shoot him!
SHOOT. HIM.
Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him.
There's a time and a place for not shooting this dude
and shoot him in the face, please.
WOW. BIG SURPRISE. The dude with pee-pee pants
that they very obviously should have shot,
but instead decided to have a stop and chat sidebar
about ethics and ex-girlfriends, immediately turned on them
at the first available opportunity.
And he stomped Maggie's vitamins?
Not cool,
she needs those for the baby
that she claims to be carrying.
Well, now that he's revealed himself
to be a not nice vitamin stomper,
they will surely shoot him-
OH MY GOD!
How many times are we going to see this happen on this show?
They let someone live who they should have killed,
and it comes back to bite them in the ass?
Because if this happens, like, 37 more times, 39 max,
I am done with this show.
Not only did Morgan not die, he jumped up
and took a brisk jog down the hall.
I think those bullets were soaked in Red Bull.
Every time they cut to Tobin in this gunfight,
I get so nervous.
What if this is it?
The episode we finally say goodbye to Tobin?
He's not just some guy, okay?
He's some guy who has had lines
and has also been in scenes.
What I'm trying to say is, I'll use any reason
to take the day off work, and I really hope my boss buys,
"I don't know how to answer emails professionally
in a world without Tobin," as a reasonable excuse.
If this lady put half as much energy
into fighting off zombies as she did
into yelling at her subordinates,
she probably wouldn't have a dead dude
munching on her neck right about now.
What befell this creature?
If my man Jerry didn't hit him with the ax,
and hats off to Jerry on the excellent ax work this episode,
that zombie probably would have befell
himself off a damn cliff
instead of listening to Ezekiel.
I get that King Zeke wants to fake it until he makes it
and smile.
I fucking get it.
But I'll take frowning and silence over
smiling and talking like an asshole any day of the week.
Daryl opened up this door and was forced to relive
one of the darkest periods of his life,
that time he was a Yelp reviewer.
"Atmosphere and service leave a lot to be desired,
the only thing on the menu is dog food sandwiches.
One star."
Rick. You JUST met this guy.
Do not choke him on the first date.
Are some people into choking?
Sure. But if things get hot and heavy on a first date,
don't just assume they're into getting choked.
Get to know your new special friend.
Have a conversation about physical boundaries.
At least buy the guy a dog food sandwich first.
Then if you get a green light,
choke the shit out of him. It's called manners.
Wow. Morgan, you are completely scaring all of us
with this killing spree.
Who knew Morgan's murder stick
was the only thing slowing him down
from slaughtering 30 dudes a second?
I get Morgan's frustration here.
First he was about killing everyone,
then he wasn't killing anyone,
now he's supposed to kill all the people all the time,
but not these people right now?
That is some extremely confusing shit.
And what the hell are they supposed to do
with all these hostages?
They already have more than enough cast members
for the Hilltop production of Grease.
Also, Jesus sure is acting high and mighty
and holier than thou,
but I guess that's kind of his brand.
Now is not the time to hesitate, Rick.
In battle, sometimes it's either you or a baby.
Do what needs to be done.
Change comes at you pretty fast.
Rick's about to be raising two kids that aren't his.
But a life of Grimes is still safer
than living with whoever was tasked
with keeping this kid alive before.
I didn't go to any fancy Baby College,
to get a degree in Infant Slumber,
but I'm pretty sure hanging a heavy mirror directly
over a sleeping child is not a great way
to make sure they live to see tomorrow.
I'm as thrilled as the next guy that Carol
got to save her munitions, but quick question.
How exactly does she even know who are the bad guys?
Is there a face chart?
Did they pick up a special cologne on the last supply run
and Shiva knows to not attack people
wearing the anti-tiger cologne?
I've thought about this extensively, and
the anti-tiger cologne theory is, no joke,
the closest I can come to explaining this.
So apparently all it takes for Carol to smile
these days is knowing everyone, including herself,
is marching towards a bloodbath.
This smile is now the scariest thing
we've ever seen on this show.
Rick is reunited with this dude from Atlanta
I don't remember at all because are you fucking kidding me?
I can't tell you what I did two Fridays ago.
My stupid life, and the people who come in and out of it,
is a blur. I don't know how you expect me
to keep track of Rick's stupid life too.
I know Morales is a meme for fans,
but he's a third string meme behind T-Dog
and Spaghetti Tuesdays.
So I straight up don't have time for him.
Give me starting bench memes only.
Please don't waste my time.
Tune in next week!
Will Eric be okay?
He'll be fine, that bullet barely killed him.
Will we get another pointless montage of faces
that nobody asked for and does nothing for the plot?
These minutes don't fill themselves, folks!
Will we ever find out if Father Gabriel shit his pants?
Yes, in season 12 when the All Out Pants storyline
kicks into full gear.
Comic readers know what I'm talking about.
None of this and more! Next time on The Walking Dead.
by the end of this first half-season.
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