-Thanks to newly developed technology,
we here at "Late Night" now have the ability to record
the tiny voice that is inside Donald Trump's head.
And you might be surprised to know that,
like everyone's inner voice -- and we all have them --
Donald Trump's is filled with paralyzing fear and self-doubt.
So here it is, the tiny voice
in the back of Donald Trump's head.
♪♪
-Hey, Donald. It's the tiny voice in the back of your head.
And I'm letting you know that your greatest fear is true --
no one likes or respects you.
The two world leaders you're standing between
are embarrassed to be on stage with you right now.
As soon as this is over,
they're going to go to dinner and talk about you.
They're going to talk about how weird it is
that a 70-year-old man can't stand still
and always has to swing his body around
like a first-grader who has to pee.
And then they'll probably talk about a bunch of stuff
you don't understand, like politics
and countries and sanity.
And they're not going to invite you to dinner.
You know what you're going to do for dinner?
You're going to eat a cheeseburger in bed.
Sad!
-In my capacity as...
-Hey, Donald.
It's me, the tiny voice in the back of your head.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Because I'm thinking that Mike Pence
looks a lot more like a president than you do.
I mean, look at him.
He's killing it right now, speaking in complete sentences,
turning the page each time he finishes a page,
not making insane gestures.
He looks like a real president.
And look at you.
You look like a guy who won a contest
to stand next to a president.
I mean, he's a complete freak and all,
but at least he can fake being normal.
How does it feel to be weirder than Mike Pence?
-Kind Father in heaven --
-Hey, Donald.
It's the tiny voice in the back of your head,
and I'm going to say the prayer you wish you could say
right now.
Dear Lord, please let me handle this elaborate charade
that I'm trapped in.
Please let me open my eyes and be transported
back to when I was running casinos and making cameos
in "Home Alone,"
back to a time when I was disliked but still sort of
a beloved kind of a freak.
But if that can't happen, Lord, can you please at least
transform this glass of water in front of me into
a 30-liter bottle of Diet Coke and a bucket of chicken nuggets?
Because, honestly, Lord, that is all I really want right now.
Please, Lord, make everyone disappear
and put chicken nuggets in front of me.
I'm going to open my eyes, Lord.
I'm going to open my eyes, and please let that be the case.
Oh, God damn it.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-It's an amazing -- It's an amazing technology.
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- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]
Finesse and Hasani, 50 points.
I've got another question worth 50 points.
You ready? - I am there.
- Question number three--
which forgotten male R&B group
should make a comeback?
- That's easy, man. You...
That's...come on. That's...come on.
- Who were the ones in the '90s?
- Mint Condition, Silk. - Yeah, Mint Condition.
- Oh, we got this. - Answers locked.
- Let me tell you something, if she put the Bee Gees,
'cause she meant something else...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- ...she ain't gonna get no credit for the Bee Gees,
if she meant the Jackson 5 or some bullshit.
- Which forgotten male R&B group
should make a comeback?
Finesse and Hasani?
- We're goin'... - Jodeci.
- What! - AUDIENCE: [applauding]
- Brandon and Nefertiti?
- BOTH: Jodeci!
- How y'all don't clap for that Jodeci?
- Y'all clap better. - AUDIENCE: [shouting comments]
- Karlous and Xandrea?
- I think in all that blackness, we agree,
it was Jodeci, right? - Jodeci!
- AUDIENCE: [applauding]
- 50 points across the board with Jodeci.
- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]
- Brandon and Nefertiti, 100 points,
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- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]
Next question, 50 points.
Which sports figure, outside of OJ, of course,
had the biggest scandal?
Talk to your teammates.
- Which one-- hey, you're goin' deep.
- I like that. - Yeah.
- The Kardashians and the crack.
- Okay, yeah. There you go.
- Which sports figure, outside of OJ, of course,
had the biggest scandal?
Karlous and Xandrea?
- Um, we're gonna go with... - BOTH: Colin Kaepernick...
- ...that had the biggest scandal.
- Colin Kaepernick is a scandal?
- AUDIENCE: No. No.
- Finesse and Hasani?
- A'ight, we're gonna go with...
- BOTH:... Lamar Odom.
- No. - We're talkin' about...
Listen, we're talkin' about crack...
and a Kardashian.
- Brandon and Nefertiti?
- The guy from the Patriots that killed himself,
the murderer. - Yeah.
- The murderer. Patriots' Martinez, the murderer.
- You mean Aaron Hernandez. - NEFERTITI: Yes.
- Who is Patriot Martinez?
- It sounds like the audience has spoken.
Patriot Martinez! - AUDIENCE: [cheering]
- That ain't even the name.
- Give me a handshake.
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