(hands drumming) (gentle, melodic music)
- I've been trying to think of a way
to make this video for a while.
If I write a script will it be inauthentic?
If I just wing it will it be a mess?
Will I say something hurtful or disparaging?
Which is definitely not something I wanna do
with this video.
We don't want to be hurtful or disparaging, right?
No, not at all.
Because I could just keep being silent.
I could just keep pretending that I am 100%, A-okay.
But hey, I'm not okay.
If you remember in my vision board video,
one of my goals for this year was Speak Truth.
And so this
is a lot of what that was supposed to represent for me.
So Parker and I broke up on October 19th.
That's like seven months ago Kaitlyn.
Why are you not okay now?
Seems like you're okay on social media.
So I have hard time talking honestly
about things that are bothering me,
that are hurting me.
I'm an INFJ, I'm a mediator and a healer.
I'm a listen to everyone else's problems
and try to help them person.
But when it comes to talking about my own problems,
I just can't.
At least it's just a lot harder.
But, I feel like here it's important,
so let's talk about what happened.
You know, we officially started dating in August of 2012,
although we had gone on our first date in August of 2011.
But pretty much my whole post-college adult life,
has been with him.
We spent 2012 to August of 2016
in a long-distance relationship
which was hard a lot of the time.
But I feel like we eventually
kind of found a groove and made it work.
In September 2014, I asked him to marry me, and he said yes.
But we didn't tell anyone.
Because there was a lot of,
"We need to get to a better place first."
Financially, geographically,
because we had jobs and lives two hours apart.
There was a lot of,
he felt like he needed to do certain things to be worthy of me.
Like finishing college, getting a full-time job,
being more financially stable.
And I was okay with waiting.
I've always been an extreme encourager and advocate for him.
And I wanted to help him figure out what he wanted in life.
And if that meant that we got married later, sure.
In him saying yes to me,
I was like, this is my life partner
This is the person
that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
This is the person that I'm going to fight for.
And a lot of my fears of rejection could be laid to rest
and I just dove headfirst into making this life mine.
It wasn't the life I'd imagined for myself when I was a kid
or even a senior in college
when I tried to imagine what real adult life
was going to be like.
But I found that I really loved having a partner,
and I loved having him as my partner.
And I just felt like as long as we were together
we could tackle the world.
In 2016, I think he was finally pretty tired
of the long-distance thing.
And I know I was very tired
of living at home with my parents
and working at a job that while in my industry,
was just slowly killing my soul.
So we made the decision
that he was going to look for a bigger apartment in Richmond
and I was going to look for a job there
and by September I was going to move, job or no job.
Which if you know me,
I don't do anything or go anywhere
without some kind of plan.
So it was gonna be a huge leap of faith.
And then in what just seemed like a total act of God,
I got a job interview, for the job that I have now,
and was offered the job,
and actually the start date
was for the Monday after our lease started.
And so suddenly I was in Richmond,
and we were together and just everything had come together.
All of our dreams had been made reality
in the matter of a few short months.
And as unlucky as we have been throughout our relationship,
that just seemed mind blowing.
Now it should be noted
that very few people knew that we were living together.
And that's been one of the reasons
it's been so hard to make this video,
because it means I have to talk about it
and people who didn't know, would know.
But is has also contributed to why months after we broke up,
I was still grieving so hard,
or really just starting the grieving process.
I didn't want to move in with him before we were married.
It's something that's super frowned upon
in my family and his family and a lot of my friend groups.
And there's just a lot of shame associated with it.
And also, having only lived
in either in a college dorm or with my parents,
I kind of wanted to prove to myself
that I could take care of myself.
As someone who's struggled with mental illness
throughout my teen and adult life,
that is a big question for me, and a scary thing of like,
"Can I live on my own
"and not spiral into a hole of despair?"
But he kind of spent years wearing me down.
And I remember one argument that we had,
I think we were coming out of a movie theater.
Where it was basically like,
"I don't wanna get married
"unless we have lived together first,
"and made sure that it can work,"
and how hurtful that was to me.
Because one of my reasons
for not wanting us to live together until we were married
is that it's a lot easier to be like
"You know, I'm just not feeling it anymore."
And throughout the years that we've been dating,
that was something that he had done
and we had broken up for a little bit.
And we'd eventually get back together
but it's really scary to move somewhere new,
invest your life and your time
and then to have someone flake out on you like that.
I had thought we were over that
when he'd said yes to marrying me.
But eventually, it felt a bit like an ultimatum like,
"Move in together or maybe this isn't going to work."
So I did.
Because I wanted to make him happy
and it was also easier for me in terms of getting a new job
and upending my life and moving somewhere.
Plus we'd had the conversation like,
"Let's get officially engaged by the end of the year."
And for the first time in his adult life
he had a full-time job.
He wasn't making great money
but he was much more financially stable than like "Whoo,"
any time I had ever known him probably.
And so it just seemed like things were all coming together
and I was like, "Okay, I will put aside
"some of these concerns that I have
"and dive head first
"and do what he feels like is best for us."
And it was great for three months, maybe?
Then it just slowly deteriorated
because he stopped caring or trying,
at least that's what it looked like from my perspective.
We didn't go on dates anymore.
He really didn't wanna go anywhere other than
to work and then back to the apartment.
I mean we would eat dinner
and he would either watch TV or be on his phone.
He generally seemed a low-level of irritated
with everything I did, even my general personality.
He'd feel guilty that I was cleaning or cooking
or organizing the apartment
and because he doesn't like doing any of those things,
he sort of felt like it was an affront to him.
Also should be noted
that I just generally enjoy cleaning and organizing
to a certain degree.
It's kind of how I relieve stress.
But it started making me feel like I needed to be smaller.
To shrink so that my personality,
my presence, my life, wouldn't bother him.
I started getting more and more afraid
of asking him to do anything.
He refused to even go out to dinner with me one weekend
when I had offered to pay because he said
that the restaurant was going to be too loud.
I would have to negotiate with him
to have him come to any sort of
family or friend get-together.
Where I would basically offer like
"You can have the next three weekends
"where you can do whatever you want.
"I won't ask anything of you."
Or like, "I'll take out the trash every day
"for the next month and you won't have to touch it."
That kind of thing.
And relationships are about compromise,
but I started feeling like I was doing all the compromising,
and that he was basically saying
that being around me at all was a compromise for him.
That's not the most flattering thing to realize
from your long-time boyfriend.
And it all kind of came to a head last May
when I was offered my dream job,
but it would have required me to move to Montana,
which also meant
he would eventually need to move to Montana too.
And I was just really struggling
because I didn't know if I was ready
to move so far away from my family yet.
And really wanting his opinion on what we were doing,
because this really affected both of us.
And he was super resistant
to giving me any kind of opinion at first,
which I thought, "Oh he's just trying to be kind
"and let me figure this out on my own
"because it really should be my decision,
"he doesn't wanna influence me."
Which was great,
but I did eventually get him to talk to me
and I learned two things
that I wasn't expecting.
That one,
he didn't think he could commit to marrying me anymore
and two, that he missed living alone.
And I don't know why I didn't break up with him then.
But for some reason, I just doubled down and was like
"I can fix this.
"I can be whatever he needs me to be and he'll come around."
And honestly, on his part,
he should have been empathetic enough to let me go.
To not keep me tied down to something that wasn't real,
except in my head apparently.
Because he knew
how much I desperately want to love and be fully loved.
But instead, we spent the summer pretty miserable.
We signed another year lease too!
Which I'm pretty sure, at that point he knew
that he wasn't in love with me anymore
and really shouldn't have done that.
But I think that he'd gotten used to
having someone to cook and clean for him
and to share half the rent
and to do a lot of the emotional labor.
I honestly think he was waiting for me
to get fed up with him and leave
because he was too afraid or something
to be the bigger person
and let me how he actually felt and let me go.
It also should be noted,
because I don't want to make him out
as like this horrible person,
but that I was really his first real girlfriend,
despite him being a few years older than me.
And so he hadn't really had to deal with
the certain behaviors that go around,
ending a relationship before.
So I just don't think
that he really knew how to deal with them.
So it got worse and worse.
And in October, he stopped saying "I love you"
and that utterly broke me. (sighs)
But after some really hard but helpful
conversations with family and friends,
I finally
put some of my anxiety aside
and asked him to sit down and talk with me
and told him that we had to break up.
And like everything else for the past year,
he was so apathetic about it.
Like it wasn't a big deal.
And then I was just numb for a while.
We were still living together,
and I was desperately trying to figure out
a way to get out of there.
But also kind of wondering like,
"Maybe I can just stay until the lease is out,
"and we'll avoid a lot of the stress.
"I can just save money."
It was a mess.
I was finally able to move out in February
and other than getting a few utilities
switched over in his name, and like that week or two after,
he hasn't spoken to me in three months.
Which is the longest it's been since 2012.
So now is when I've really been feeling it.
Because I know
that leaving him was the right thing to do.
Because he was not the charismatic and full-of-life,
poetic and funny guy that I met and first fell in love with.
And I know that people change, I was with him
through so many of his changes and my changes.
But he had just become so cynical, so apathetic,
and he stopped loving me.
Which made me question myself so much,
because it had to be my fault
that he didn't love me anymore.
Because I wasn't pretty enough
or thin enough or young enough anymore for him.
That I wasn't this unicorn that he had imagined
when he saw me day in and day out without makeup
or when I was sick
or when all of amy weird and unrealized
neurotic habits came out.
I so desperately want to be loved.
It is a problem that I have.
My therapist and I are working on it,
but it is a long, long journey.
So him stopping loving me,
it never occurred to me that it could be his problem.
That I did everything I could.
But I can only change myself so much for another person
before I lose myself.
I don't know what magical girl he wanted,
but I couldn't be her.
I am human and imperfect.
And I really, really hope
that one day someone will love me
for all of those imperfections
and want to spend their life with me.
But I have to stop
trying to be someone else
so that someone will love me.
And honestly, I do it for friends and family
and just everybody, not just for a relationship.
It's a problem I have and I have to stop
because it makes me really, really unhappy.
So I've told you this long and slightly rambling story
not to be all "Here's the drama yo!"
But because I've certainly learned from it.
And I feel like other people could learn from it.
But it's basically what the channel is, right?
Giving advice
and hoping that others can learn from my mistakes.
In this case, it's don't sacrifice who you are for others.
Listen to people when they tell you who they are.
And leave.
Leave sooner rather than later
if something doesn't feel right.
No one and nothing
is worth wasting your time and youth and happiness.
Anyway, I'm slowly working on it.
And part of working on it, for me, is talking about it.
Making a video about it.
I'm sure my mother will be appalled at me
making a public video about these shameful things.
But guys, I gotta take back my life.
I gotta get rid of the shame.
And for me, part of that is making videos about it,
talking to you guys about it.
Documenting it as part of my YouTube channel
and my online journey.
Being honest and authentic about my life.
Even when it is not pretty or perfect
like so many people you see on social media.
I love you guys.
Thank you for watching
and being supportive internet acquaintances.
I hope you have never gone through anything like this,
but because life is life, you probably have
and if you feel compelled
to share your own story in the comments,
feel free to do that.
(gasps) (exhales deeply)
I know there's no way this video made you smile,
but if you haven't already, remember to subscribe,
remember to hit the notification bell
so that you know when I post new videos
which will, I give you like a 95% guarantee
that they will be happier than this one.
(chuckles)
And I'll see you guys next Thursday, bye.
(blows kiss)
(gentle, melodic music)
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