We keep saying well we have to teach our sons.
No, actually not enough people are saying
that we have to teach our sons.
The F word came out of my mouth in front of our son.
I was not feeling that instant...
Ma Ka Pyaar!
Hi, I am Malini and welcome to another episode of
The Girl Tribe.
I have been a super fan of yours,
watching your movies ages and ages.
And I don't mean ages ago, but I am saying for ages
I have been such a fan.
Oh, that's okay. Thank you.
And one of the things that I am really grateful that you're
here to talk about is, you know, changing from having a
career to focusing on being a mom.
So, what was that like for you?
And you decided to stop working?
Well, you know Malini, actually somehere, I come from a
very middle class Maharashtrian background.
So, though Maharashtrians are very broad-minded,
they educate their daughters and education is very
important, yet there is a subconscious that none of us
realise that however educated we are, and it's not just
India, anywhere in the world, the patriarchal system is
very strong. So, somewhere in our subconscious
we always think that, you know, it's kids, it's family
and you need to give the kid the time.
Yeah.
And you know part of it was very in my subconscious
that that's what you do.
The other part was that, yes, I'm going to take my time.
The only thing I though I was being very modern about,
so to say, was that I'll take my time to have a baby
is when I am ready to take the break.
But there are times now, twelve years down the line,
where one thinks that was it important to take
that break? Where the upbringing is concerned,
yes, it was. I see the difference and
it's very, very important that you're able to give
that kind of time. So, there are questions, a lot of times,
that I ask myself that this is great, no regrets,
but could it have been done in a different way and
could I have achieved the same result by doing it in a
different way?
And that's the big dilemma, like even on the Girl Tribe
this constant struggle, which, you know, women get
asked this already. You know, all the time. Like,
what is your work-life balance? And I get really angry
because, I am like, nobody asks my husband about his
work-life balance, I mean, ours is different because
our work and life is the same.
But this struggle about can I do both, am I going to be a
terrible mom if I don't give up everything?
There's a lot of guilt, you know it was when I wrote my
book, The Modern Gurukul and I was taking it,
I took it all over the country and when I was talking
about it, I had so many women come up to me and say
that the simple, small, small things, which you know,
never really get spoken about and there were women
who would come up and say, you know, I have a
two year old baby and I am still living with the guilt that
I didn't breastfeed my child, properly.
And what does that mean, properly?
Like they weren't around?
They thought that they were not being good mothers
because they didn't breastfeed for that whole year
or something like that. Sometimes you can
and sometimes you can't. There are different issues,
but nobody really talks about it and in my book I did.
I said, you know, I was having issues with it and I also
spoke about the fact that when I saw the baby,
I was not feeling that instant...
And then you freak out.
Ma Ka Pyaar...
was not happening. I was like, what is happening to me.
It was bizarre. I mean it was not something,
it was definitely, there were a lot of really strong
emotions, but I don't know if love was one of them.
I grew to fall in love with my son, I adore him now,
but I think it has been a process.
But it doesn't take away, it doesn't make me a
bad mother.
And that's a thing, nobody ever says that about fathers,
right? Because they are like oh you didn't...
No, they do talk about are you a good father or not?
Yeah, that's true. It should. But you know the thing is...
It's just that what happens is that the question is asked
by the time it's too late, you really know nothing about it.
The ship is sailed.
And one other thing that I really wanted to talk to you
about is, you are raising a son.
Yes.
You know, and I think in this day and age, where
so much horror and horrific things are happening to
women. As much as we are evolving, and women can
do whatever they want and work.
On some other end of the spectrum, things are
out of control. And we keep saying, well we have to
teach our sons, we have to teach our sons.
No actually, not enough people are saying that
we have to teach our sons.
Even now people say teach our daughters to cover up,
to talk properly, to sit properly, how are you sitting,
what are you wearing, you can't be too boisterous.
You are eventually, but you are told that constantly.
Nobody tells a boy that. So, I really, really do believe
that we need to talk to our boys and there's no point
talking to them later on. Yes, you can maybe counsel
them, give them therapy, but the point is, we are all
eventually women bringing up these boys.
So, why are they turning out like this?
Yeah what is...
We are women, why, I can't understand that.
I think one of the best things that I read that you said
was that, from your book, you're like I am not an expert
on parenting. I am an expert on my son.
So, how old is he now?
He's twelve.
He's twelve! So, does he know about rape?
Yes
And have you talked to him about it?
It was very funny actually, the way this explanation of
rape came about.
The F word came out of my mouth in front of our son.
Can you imagine? And Goldie was like, I am so relieved
it was not me!
Vindicated! Yeah.
So, and my son is just gleefully smiling away.
He was like, yay, mumma of all the people has done it.
So, ya then we went into it and I said listen,
I know you know the word, but you know the important
thing is to know you cannot use it and it's not a nice
word to use and you know, I am human and I have made
a mistake and I'm really sorry about it.
We went through all that. We sat down.
And then he just said, but you know I can't, I don't even
understand. What's such a big deal about this word?
I mean, why is it such a bad word?
So, then it was like, you know, what do we do?
And we said okay, you're too young to know about it.
You'll know, two years later we'll tell you or whatever.
So, Goldie just looked at me and he said you know what,
there is never later. If the question has come up
that means this is the time.
Time. Yeah.
So, he just put everything down and he said, you know
what I am telling is very important, Ranveer.
And I need you to understand it. But this is what this
word means. But I need you to understand
that sex is not bad. And when, you know, two people are
in love with each other, it's the most beautiful thing.
But the same thing, which is so beautiful, if you have
heard the word rape, is the most atrocious thing you can
do to another human being. Because you're violating a
person's innermost being, without permission
and forcefully. So, the same act, which can give you
immense pleasure and is full of love and creates a
miracle, which is you for us, can be the most
horrendous thing, which can be worse than a
nuclear bomb. I was like, I wanted to stand up.
That's like a standing ovation!
Standing ovation!
That's the best explanation I have ever heard.
I said, why wouldn't you give this before I wrote
the book. I could have put it in the book, you know.
But, jokes aside, I thought it was really well said.
So well put.
Was he like, what was his response? Was he shy about
it or...?
You become shy about it when something is hidden
from you. When it is not hidden from you,
why would you be shy about it?
Amazing, this is like incredible, this like explanation has
quite blown my mind right now and I am sure it's blown
The Girl Tribe's mind, but I had a couple of questions
that came in for you, and this is one from Debolina,
who says, you know, after having a baby, careers
always take the back seat and how did you deal
with that? I think you answered that to some degree.
And she said that I am always worried about managing
my time and how to prioritise.
You know honestly I am so lucky that I could take the
break, because a lot of people just need to make the
money and that's not something that they can afford.
Yeah, yeah.
So, for mothers who cannot, and you know that
feeling of guilt, because we are so as women filled with
guilt about everything.
I am too happy today, I am feeling guilty.
It's literally like that, you know, it's like we're psyched to
be guilty about everything and it's just something that
we need to work on and say, hello, I am feeling guilt,
which I needn't be feeling. You literally need to sit down
and talk to yourself and say I am doing the best I can.
I am human and it's okay.
Yes. It's really okay and I am doing the best I can in this
situation.
Alright, this one is from Pinky Bhatia, who says,
my daughter is just about twelve-thirteen now
and she is getting irritated all the time and I think it's
because her hormones are changing and it affects the
whole house and she even fights with her younger
brother for silly reasons. What should she do? And I am
sure, it can't be that much different than having a son.
We all say a lot of things about hormones, but a very
important thing that is happening in teenage brain is,
it's a brain that's still forming. And so what is happening
is they're finding those pathways and literally the frontal
lobe is what is your strong, emotional point is the only
thing that is developed fully. And the one that kind of
manages you, the maturity, which we talk about, has not
developed, that part of the brain. So, it's not just
hormones or them behaving badly. Poor things,
they themselves are not understanding what is
happening in my brain.
It's not all there yet.
Yes, and if you look at it in that way and you know
somewhere when you understand that oh my god
that poor brain is struggling, you'll probably deal with it
in a different way. You'll probably be more empathetic
towards the child and maybe form a better connection.
Better connection. Wow, amazing.
Normally, better to start that connection right from the
age of six and seven. So, by the time you get these
preteens, you kind of dealing with it already.
Yeah. I love it. Thank you so much. This has been the
most fantastic conversation and I knew it would be
since I have been following the book club. And finally,
I am going to ask you to write a pledge for me,
something that's gonna go up on my Girl Tribe wall.
Something that's gonna remind me of all the beautiful
ladies who have been here, have made a pledge for me.
My girl tribe pledge is
to raise
my boy
to look
at the world
with compassion
and empathy.
That's beautiful.
Yeah?
That's amazing. That's perfect. Thank you so much.
I need to sign it?
You need to sign it and you need to pin it up for me on
the board, along with your picture.
This picture? Oh! nice.
So, everyone remembers whose pledge it is.
Yes, how do we...
There should be some pins up there.
Okay.
Is that okay?
That's perfect.
Yeah?
Sonali, this has been amazing. Thank you so much
for coming here.
Thank you.
And I knew we would have an amazing conversation
and by the way, inspired by Sonali's Book Club, go and
join that as well, there's Malini's Girl Tribe and we are
going to meet you somewhere in between those two
places and now of course, as always, The Girl Tribe
the spotlight is on you.
These women, who we call warriors, have come out on
top of everything that life throws at them. And they've
come out shining. Here's the story of one such warrior,
whose tale of determination and positivity will put a big
smile on your face.
The inspirational story of Nikhila.
An author and a blogger from Andra Pradesh.
She was born as any regular child with
normal muscle control. But things took a drastic turn
when she was hit with muscular dystrophy,
a rare condition at a very tender age.
The muscle damage eventually confined her to a
wheelchair. You and I cannot even begin to imagine
the trauma of losing our ability to walk at such a
young age.
Being in a wheelchair comes with its own harsh reality
and Nikhila had to adapt this curveball that destiny had
thrown at her.
After school, she opted for a bachelor's degree in
commerce with help of her father who carried her in his
arms until the very last day of her graduation.
However, post college she couldn't take up a job like her
friends, as it required her to move out of the city.
Alienated and distressed, she decided to pursue an
MBA, which seemed difficult, as the college campuses
weren't wheelchair-friendly.
They lacked basic amenities like elevators or ramps
for differently abled people.
If there's anything that kept Nikhila going, it was her
endless courage and optimism.
With the help of her family and friends, she retained the
spirit to strive and reach for the stars.
She started to build her confidence by
working from home. Her journey led her to start a blog
called Nikki's Talk. Little did she know that one decision
would lead to what she calls an absolute miracle.
It was through her blog that she met Nikhil Chandwani,
an established author, who suggested that she
write a book. Today Nikhila is the proud author of
The Day I Started Flying, a book about her life as a
specially abled girl. As she quotes rightly,
there are miracles happening everyday in this universe.
Here's what a very special friend of mine had to say.
Hi Nikhila! Firstly, this is Alia. A big, big warm hug from
wherever you are right now. I have to say you've been a
true inspiration for not just me but all us young girls
out there. Congratulations on finally completing your
book. Keep it up and as I said you're a big inspiration
and I hope other girls listen to your story, hear your story
and really learn from it, to really make a difference,
in their lives and in other people's lives.
Thank you so much for your story. Lots of love.
Thank you so much Nikhila for sharing your story.
You are a true warrior. You must shine on and that's why
you are going on my Girl Tribe wall of fame.
And that's all for today's episode of The Girl Tribe.
Please hit like, share, love. Post a big old giant heart in
the comments and keep coming back for more.
And the conversation does not end here.
I am starting a brand new thread on Malini's Girl Tribe
with this question: What should we be teaching our
sons and for that matter our daughters?
The next generation, what do we teach them about
safety and respect and the gender imbalance?
How much is too much information?
How much can we expose them to, especially when it
comes to the horrors of rape and murder?
Come join Malini's Girl Tribe on Facebook and join that
converstation. I'll see you guys next week. Till then
remember, let your vibe attract your tribe!
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